Time Standing Still

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. 
Eccl 3:1 (ESV)

     After wrapping my dripping hair in the towel and quickly throwing on my clothes, I walked into the kitchen to see how the little ones were doing in my temporary absence.  My oldest daughter was getting ready to leave for work, leaving my granddaughters with me for the day as planned.  My morning had already been full of morning rituals.  Breakfast, diaper changes, duplo building, coffee sipping.  All of these normal activities that seem to cause the minutes on the clock to tick by so very quickly.  My daughter, walking out the door, commented that her watch said that it was after 10:00, whereas the clock on the wall said 8:55.  I had just glanced at it a minute before and had thought to myself, "Wow, we're making good time today.  It's earlier than it feels."  Dead battery.
     So as I have continued through my day, I've  reflected on how much the tick, tick, ticking of the clock dictates what I do, how fast I move, and how much I allow myself to feel guilty because I'm not doing "something else" or accomplishing more.  How different would I live my life if time stood still like it did for me this morning? Would I feel free to sit and sip that cup of java at a much more leisurely pace, while I lounged on the floor and constructed towers from plastic blocks with the wide-eyed toddlers that surround me?  Would I bask a little longer in the soothing hot shower without feeling like I needed to get on with more important and productive things? Would my children notice that I no longer tried to impatiently rush them through their story telling so that I could get on with our Math lesson?  I wonder if I would embrace the freedom to breathe in more deeply the beauty of the yellow bean fields that are lining my street right now while I take my morning walk without being constrained to hurry back in order to get the housework started or the bills paid.  
     I am striving (and have been for countless years it seems!) to be "all there" in the moments of life.  Because that's really all we have.  When we reflect on the past, don't we just remember moments?  Snippets of time. Here and gone.  My favorite read of this year was "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voscamp.  It's really a masterpiece in my eyes.  Below is a quote from her book.

"Time is a relentless river.  It rages on, a respecter of no one.  And this, this is the only way to slow time:  When I finally enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention,I slow the torrent by being all here.  I only live the full life when I live fully in the moment.  And when I'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, I slow and enter.  And time slows.  Weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river slows, slows, slows."

     I imagine Heaven being a place where we carry no guilt about what we "should" be doing or about how long something is taking.  I see myself bathing in beauty around me, perhaps reading timeless books, laughing with loved ones, working with joy and purpose.  No regrets, no second guessing, no comparing myself with others, no what ifs.
     I may not truly be able to make time stand still. And I may not be in Heaven yet.  But I can and will keep giving my best efforts at seeing the moments in each day as meaningful and blessed. For now, I won't even give in to that twinge of guilt that is trying to make me feel bad for taking the time to write this blog! Live fully.  Live well. Live gratefully.

Failed Plans

Proverbs 16:9 The mind of man plans his way,
But the LORD directs his steps.

Schedules.  Lists.  Charts.  Calendars. My adrenaline is flowing from just typing those delightful words!  Yes, I have always been magnetically drawn to these tools of organization.  Somehow they bring feelings of security and safety to the unsafe and unpredictable homeschooling lifestyle that has been ours for as long as I can remember. Which isn't really saying much, since I can't even remember what I had for breakfast. Anyway, somehow I manage to convince myself every August that if I get everything planned out on paper down to the last detail, there is little room for failure.  It's probably just me (I'm sure that you, my darling fellow homeschooler, don't deal with this), but usually within a week, and more likely within a few days, I see that my plan did not and will not flow as smoothly as I had anticipated.  Actually, practically every year, I have to tear up the plan, re-evaluate, and start again at the old drawing board at least a few times before I finally come to a point of having a reasonable and even workable plan for my day to day life as a homeschooling mom and for my amazing children.  In my mind, that's crazy!  You would think that I would finally just have it figured out and each year, it would just come together.  After all, I'm no newbie at this! 

I remember one year, after I had everyone's schedules including mine all on one sheet of paper, my face just beamed from satisfaction of a well-laid plan.  I was so proud of my attention to detail.  I had every student occupied at all times with myself going through a rotation so as to give each the one on one attention and tutoring that they would need for the year. It was all in there. Grooming time, creative play time, even P.E. for heaven's sake!  After perusing the freshly printed schedule posted on the refrigerator for all eyes to feast upon, one of my angelic sons commented, "Mom, you know that after two weeks this will be obsolete, right?" Aaah!!!  How disheartening!  But I have to admit that his prophecy was fulfilled in about the time span he predicted.

So what is the use?  What hope do I have?  Will I always be striving for the unattainable?  Speaking for myself (since I'm the only one who goes through this, I'm sure, dear reader), I have  learned and am continuing to discover that the Lord directs my steps.  As I allow my schedule to "flex" and as I perk my ears to hear the Spirit of God who wants to lead me in each learning decision and academic detour of the day, I find measures of success and have peace and even hopping joy at times in the midst of my unpredictable life.  I witness real depth of learning taking place in myself and my student as we move into the rhythms of life, learning from the planned and the unplanned opportunities set before us. The stress levels drop as I relax and realize that just because it's written down, doesn't mean that it absolutely has to be done or the sun most certainly will not rise.  Allowing for creativity, curiosity, and other natural motivators mixed with a good dose of disciplined study leads to the joyful homeschooling that I am tirelessly seeking. I'm so glad that my plans don't always work out.  God's plans are way more rewarding! I wonder if I'll remember this next August when I'm salivating over my self-published, colorful, and fresh-smelling (you know you can tell if it's a good book by its smell!) home school and life planner.  Nope, that would be breaking tradition.